There’s been a lot of conversation and tender wondering about what happens if I die early from this journey through fallopian cancer. The tears I have shed alone and in the gaze of many of you is divine, truly delicious. Like lovers making their vows to one another, there is that feeling of “I got you … forever.” We love each other. Holy communion with friends, family, colleagues, students, so many with whom I have shared the dance. Deep and delicious loving. More intimate, more transparent, more respectful, more truth telling, more fun actually.
But here is the scoop. I am alive, very much so! I honor the power of cancer, but your vast and generous love and prayers coupled with my somatic intelligence and my relationship with Source, provides this life crisis with a whole lot of survival intelligence, intelligence that orients me towards being a post cancer thriver! As I go through this cycle of the cancer healing process, the chemo part, I often feel vibrant and resilient. I do not feel disease inside. Yes, I do feel heat and fatigue. SO MUCH FIRE from the chemo. And I am paying very close attention to the short and long term impacts of that fire on my overall health and on any sneaky cells that want to overpower all of this medicine. But, I aim to live and live long and ever more lovingly.
So here is what is happening. Since my last post, I moved through my second chemo cycle. Each cycle includes three infusions, two intraperitoneal, aka straight into my gut, and one intravenous, right into my blood stream. I see now that each cycle is a bit more exhausting than the one before. So, during these past 3 infusions, I stayed focused on the horrific sensations shifting daily through my body, along with feeling the power of your love with me and many of our friends of Spirit in attendance too. I focus this way not because I love pain. I do not. But, by being fully present with what is truly happening, it can move along, shift, unwind, sequence through into some kind of reasonable set of sensations. Sometimes, that can take days.
With that rigorous inner focus, during this past second chemo cycle, I was also able to attend my beloved bonus son, Gabriel’s glorious wedding to the lovely Laura. We gracefully integrated two wild and deliciously devoted Puerto Rican cats into our home, Mariah and Magic. We were able to celebrate my brilliant baby daughter, Robin’s 23rd birthday. I was honored to teach a group of my most seasoned students working towards certification and completion as SomaSource Life Cycle practitioners training. Yes, of course, I love seeing so many of you at Movement Mass. And yesterday, I took to the streets of Denver with 100’s of ovarian cancer survivors and their communities to walk for the cure. It was so powerful to be with so many women who have made it through this wicked disease, women who have faced into this one and are now so lovingly welcoming the new comers to this club that none of us ever wanted to join. I was so grateful to be able to be present with this group of mighty souls, walking alongside my phenomenal surgeon, Dr. Pamela Stone, supported by my dear friend Isabelle Tierney.
Indeed, here I am at the front door of the third cycle of this treatment. My ears ring. My hearing and eyesight are truly compromised. My feet threaten to numb out. I am more tired than usual. And, my intestines burn. Prior to surgery in March, I was asked what were my limits in terms of what could be removed or compromised during the operation if need be. I told my doctors, do whatever you need to do to keep orienting me towards life. So wrinkles, less than ideal muscle mass, all that stuff. Who cares. What matters is that I am alive. And the key for all threshold work, except in death itself, is to keep orienting towards life.
So I will. Please join me. First of all, take the best care of yourself that you can. Eat well. Sleep plenty. Laugh often. Cultivate quiet. And if you have some extra, I cherish your prayers, your energetic “you got this,” your belief in the power of love and grace in times like these. I feel you. I am humbled by your support. I am deeply moved by the unseen help that is assisting me through this crazy passageway.
And, I can’t wait to dance with you along the way …
Through the heat … let’s keep the beat, the breath, the song in our souls.
It sounds like this …
TO LIFE! TO LIFE! L’Chaim!